Finding K

I haven’t done a blog for a while

To be honest I haven’t had the energy or strength to write.

But this has been our last week:

Thursday:            Crisis point reached. Violent meltdown at school. Violent meltdown at home.         Suicidal. Depressed. Angry. Taken to A&E
Friday:                  Phone call from emergency crisis team in Hertfordshire following psychiatric assessment in A&E – urgent meeting arranged for Tuesday with lead consultant of C-CATT (Crisis Assessment and Treatment Team)
Saturday:             survived the day (just) Violent meltdown in the evening. No point going to A&E as were able to keep her safe ourselves and nothing more they could do at this stage
Sunday :               survived but very depressed
Monday:              went to school – lasted 30 minutes. Violent meltdown at school within minutes of arriving. Angry and upset. Perception of events was far from the reality. Slept most of the day.
Tuesday:              meeting had with lead consultant from C-CATT
Wednesday:      Urgent intervention phone call had with CETR (Care Education & Treatment Review) to discuss next steps
Thursday :           admitted to adolescent mental health unit.

We’ve had a turbulent time in recent weeks. In fact I’d probably say since September.

Going back to the summer, K was showing signs of increased anxiety so her medication was tweaked again. However she had a massive adverse reaction to the medication which caused her to become depressed and suicidal. She was self-harming and was in a terrible state. As soon as we realised what was happening this medication was removed and she was put back on to a mood stabiliser which has worked in the past. However this time it hasn’t and for the past few months K has been deteriorating.

The rate in which she has deteriorated has been rapid and hard. She has been violent and angry, depressed, shown suicidal ideation and quite frankly has been thoroughly pissed off with her life.

School has been a major downfall. She hates it. She longs to be “normal” (Yes I hate using that word and quite honestly who knows what “normal” even is)– she doesn’t want to be at a special needs school. She wants friends. She wants to do normal things – this isn’t anything I haven’t said before but the cycle in which she finds herself means none of that is achievable right now.

I still genuinely believe this is all something she can do – I don’t think her life will always be like this. But we do know she needs urgent and intensive intervention to help her get back on track.

You see we just don’t know what the “normal” K is. She’s been on so many medications for so many years we’ve lost K and we need to find her again.We don’t know if her current situation is due to the medication just not being effective anymore, if it’s a build-up of too many chemicals in her body or if she’s having a massive reaction to the medications. Or is it the cycle and circumstances that she finds herself in.

The problem is we can’t take her off of these meds either as she is just not safe at the moment to do this and the only way we can strip her of her medication is to have her as an inpatient in an adolescent mental health unit where she’ll be safe and monitored closely.

I can’t even begin to explain the intensity of her anger right now. It’s the scariest thing I’ve witnessed by far. It makes no sense and I just can’t understand how a child can have so much anger inside of them and how it can take such a strong hold of them. Her mood swings are intense and constant throughout the day. There is no talking to her. She gets angry over the tiniest thing.

I have a few fears right now. I fear that she will take her own life. I fear that she will get so angry she’ll end up doing something by accident that will cause her significant harm – or she’ll pick on the wrong person in a moment of intense anger and will come off worse and I fear for her physical health. The anger that she has is putting her body under so much stress I honestly fear she’ll have a heart attack.

We reached crisis point last week when she was uncontrollable. She was violent. She was suicidal. She had been violent at school. She had been violent at home. She was distressed. She hated what was happening and she couldn’t control herself. We took her to A&E and there kicked in the most rapid response we’ve ever seen from Hertfordshire. Now as you know I’ve been very quick to slag off Hertfordshire Camhs previously. In fact not just Camhs – all of Hertfordshire. It is truly the shittyist county to live in. And it’s not just me that says that – its reputation is well known throughout the country.

Anyway I digress (as I usually do). This time it was different. In A&E she was seen by the psychiatric team. We had been on the phone to the wonderful Dr G (our phenomenal private psychiatrist). He said that we had to be firm with the team who assess her in hospital. He said that they will be quick to say this is social and behavioural, a tantruming child pushing her parents – however he said this absolutely isn’t the case at all and she is a very complex young girl in the midst of a mental health crisis and needs acute treatment. He was backing an inpatient referral but as he is a private doctor he is powerless to have her admitted.

But the psych team in hospital were excellent. They immediately consulted with the C-CATT (Crisis) lead. There were unavoidable delays – mainly because this all happened on a Thursday evening into Friday morning and we had the weekend to hold things up. But on Friday afternoon we had a phone call from the lead Dr who arranged an urgent meeting for us for Tuesday just gone. We met her. She met K. She saw exactly what was going on. She said we needed an urgent CETR meeting – (Lots of new acronyms have been learnt over the last few days). She arranged this for Wednesday and is where all the urgent care professionals have a meeting with us to work out if anything can be done to prevent an inpatient setting and what support can be put in place as a matter of urgency. We were told that a Form 1 had been completed and sent to the commissioner’s office to approve an inpatient setting. Then on Wednesday afternoon we received a phone call to say K was to be admitted to an adolescent unit on Thursday afternoon. This time Hertfordshire have really come through for us in dealing with the urgency of this.

One thing did make us laugh – when we got the call saying she was to be admitted, the lady told Jon that we have to keep Camhs involved following her discharge as it’s really important they have an input. Well, if camhs had been involved in the first place then we may well have not found ourselves in such a distressing situation. We really didn’t want to bankrupt ourselves funding everything privately either!

During the past week I think I have worn out google looking for every single option available to us. I can name you all the adolescent units in the south of England (I’ve spoken to them all too !) I can tell you the best hospitals abroad too – I’ve found an amazing centre in Alabama USA – it’s exactly what we want except it’s a few too many thousands of miles away ! I’ve also found a leading children’s hospital with an incredible psychiatric unit slight closer to home – but even that’s in Israel. Oh and believe me – I’ve even looked at logistics of getting her abroad, staying with friends and family in America, moving to Israel for a few months – it’s all crossed my overactive mind. But when you’re desperate you look for anything.

What saddens me is that during my excessive and unrealistic googling, I’ve found so many treatment programs and centres yet they are all abroad. I still cannot understand why the United Kingdom is so behind in managing children’s mental health.

Whilst this inpatient setting is a massive relief we are also very nervous. We don’t know this unit – we haven’t visited it. It’s had some very negative reviews. But its local to us and it’s where we have to go. I have to be open minded about it. Every child who is admitted is different. I pray this works for K. she is desperate to get back on track.  As Jon said last night – she’s not under section. If we aren’t happy with her treatment we bring her home and look elsewhere.

We aren’t even Christian but I can’t help feeling sad that 5 days before Christmas I am sitting here packing a bag for K not knowing when she will come home. Not knowing if she will come home for Christmas and Boxing day. Not knowing if we will be able to take her to a family lunch on Sunday and the pantomime in London which we have had booked since the beginning of the year. But what I do KNOW is that K is smart. I do KNOW she can achieve. I do KNOW she has been robbed of many opportunities. I do KNOW she can get through this. I do KNOW she wants to get through this. And I KNOW she can, I just don’t know when or how but we will never give up.